Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Fight fire with water.

After 3.4 hours of wanting, my dream came true. Ever since the 1st grade, I have dearly wanted a Nintendo Entertainment System, or "old/regular Nintendo" if you're like that. And now, the deal has been made. For the price of a regular current-generation game, a fully-functional NES complete with all the fixings is in my possesion.

But Brett, why the sudden urge to play retro video games? Posted by Picasa

That's an easy one, Sir Question of the Virgin Islands. Sometimes today's games are too complicated and frustrating, and one just has the need to shoot pixelated mallards while his trusty dog laughs at his efforts. Hell, in many ways, the NES offers more fun than any other console in today's market. Granted, you won't get the same heart-pounding, emotional thrillride from Super Mario Bros, which is one reason the PS2/XBox have become so popular amongst my peers.

It's hard to think back to the 1980's, when the NES was king of all technology. But a haiku can easily fix that.

Ninteen eighty-six
This thing has eight bits of looks
And more raw power.

In short:
NES in the 80's = PS2 of the 00's

Plus the Minibosses kick lustral ass.

Extremely is a bad thing,
Brett Man

Friday, February 10, 2006

Memorex dBS, bitches.

The cassette tapes suck. They're not old enough to be "Sweet collector items" like records or maybe even 8-tracks. To add to their lameness, the only time you'll ever get any sort of use out of them is for:

A) Your car is old and has no CD player (radio sucks)
B) In a fight, they could serve as minorly-effective projectiles
C) Decorations! What would match as well with your He-Man action figure?

To be honest, cassette and VHS tapes lost their usefulness when they became more costlier to produce than high-tech disc media transmitter such as DVD's. Part of me feels sorry for them, and then the other and larger section realizes that sympathy for this situation is productive as masterbating with rubber cement and went on with myself.

Haikus rule. This will be a new tradition for JHF, so get used to them fuckers.

Killroy was here, fool
Someone tell the cops he's loose
Wait, was he in jail?

The Super Bowl sucked
Seattle got the big shaft
Thanks to Mic Jager

Nothing screams comedy like rhytmic poetry. Except maybe this guy:

Ha. He has a baby. That sucks for him! Posted by Picasa

Told you it was the tank,
Brett skis in the Olympics.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Confusious Snake

Metal Gear Solid is notoriously infamous for its lengthy and detailed cutscenes that play out a story that twists more than a pretzel on a roll coaster that's being eaten by a contortionist. And hell, I've never played a game like it before; it's a life chaning experience that maybe transform gamers into deep-thinkers, or in my case: bumbling halfwits.

What the fuck happens in Metal Gear Solid 2? Well, so sum it up in a paragraph o' spoilers


You play as Raiden, a long-haired pale dude who on some mission to rescue the President, who's being held hostage in a oil refinery by some Russian Terrorists. It turns out that another group of mean people show up, but their group ends up being reveiled as training devices. A fat dude comes about and plants bombs, you disarm them, he blows up a big one and then you kill him (makes up 25% of game). Just when everything looks okay, the villian from Metal Gear Solid 1 enters the story, and it goes down the long road of enigma from there.

So, after saving the President using a guided missle, you learn that America is controlled by 12 individuals, a dozen men referred as the Patriots. The President is merely a figurehead used to keep Americans believing that Democracy is real. And before all this, Solid Snake (who's supposed to be dead) arrives and helps you out with your cause. Back to the Prez, who by the way gets shot and dies. The mission's sucess is all of sudden reliant on a young woman who has relations with Otacon, Snake's computer-wiz partner in...anti-crime. You have to lead this water fearing girl around several flooded rooms just so you can cover her from a sniping point as she strolls along a narrow bridge. AND THEN SHE GETS STABBED BY A GUY THAT YOU'VE ALREADY KILLED TWICE. So all that escorting for...nothing, really.

Don't think it's over yet: suddenly you're naked and inside the belly of nuclear capable mech called Arsenal Gear. Have you ever have a game tell you to turn it off? No? Well you haven't played MGS2 then! Your essential boss informs you of your wasted time on the PS2...and purple scissors. In the meantime, Raiden is dealing with his girlfriend, who by the way is a distracted and twitterpatty spy. It gets better as you clothe yourself, or does it?

Wait, no! Now you get to fight 5 gigantic robot frogs! *deep breathe* So it turns out that your allys on the mission (Coloniel and the girlfriend) are just figments of your imagination and some kooky AI, but since you destroyed the computer transmitting it, it's odd to see them still transmitting to you. Even though they're apparently not real, they rule the country, as opposed to the 12 dudes. You kill your newly-discovered fosterdad with Kitana earn the right to the real story: it's all fake! Sort of.

The entire series of events was a setup, minus Solid Snake's addition, by those weird digital ghost things. But Snake assures you that it was all real, it's just how you look at it. The moral of the story:

Life is your own personal judgement, enjoy the observing while it lasts.

And guess what? The Patriots (12 men running the USA)? They died 100 years ago!

Sadly enough, I lefted out ater least 2/7 of the total stpry, but for the entire internet's sake, I'm done.

Seriously, that's what happens.

WTF doesn't even begin,
The post-MGS2 Brettzki