M796AEC97N

The clock melted down as the computer prepared to make its very random, but also very important, decision. 3672 participants, 1 winner. The entire beings of people were represented by a mere 10-digit code, and one fortunate man or woman was going to bring home the special prize.

This is the way of life known as "The Every 10 Minutes" game presented by Mountain Dew and Yahoo. Buy a bottle/case of Mountain Dew, and you earn a special order of numbers and letters. Enter this arrangement of figures into www.Every10Minutes.com and you know have the chance to win the ultimate prize: an XBox 360.

If you watch TV you have seen the ad for this sweepstakes. It involves an extactic black dude and a guy with Ron Burgendy-like punctuation.

Announcer: So you didn't win an XBox 360 blah blah...
Black Dude: (running with X360 package over his head, very happy) I won an XBox 360! This is the best day of my life!

Blessed are the hopeful, as they will never truely give up.

White Guy: I'm a winner...maybe!

I have a confession to make. Every has had some type of addiction, whether is has been Josh Hartnett or Heroine is up to them. My obsession was the "Dew U" promotion, another orange-cap game from Mountain Dew. Sure, everyone collected them, but I took a bit far. Sometime after dumpster-diving, looking for empty 20 oz bottles, was when I realized I had a problem.

Although I fought my habit, the orange caps kept coming, as did the points. Even after I got enough for my inital goal (And 1 basketball Jersey), I continued looking. Those bottle-caps where the ice cream to my internal milk-shake, and to hell if they weren't risking my life for.

The promo finally ended, and I had 2 new pieces of attire to show for all the scabrous work I went through. I doubt if the shirts have been worn more than 10 times. So the prizes weren't what I hoped for, but you know what I got from it all? Fucking accomplishment. Who else could earn 400 points worth of garbage-digging and dignity-losing? Don't answer that.

The year(s) past, and I defeated my dependence on Moutain Dew sweepstakes. None of them seemed to have the same appeal after the experience I got when one was taken a bit too seriously. You can only drink so much pop...

Cut to August 2005. With the release of the next generation systems mere months away, Pepsi cashed in on the heifer, in the form of the "Every 10 Minutes" sweepstakes. Here we are today, with me on my computer. Typing as I pray that my one faithful 20 oz will bring me satisfaction for the final time...

The Mountain Dew quickly enters my body. With the bottle empty, it's time to save the world and recycle. The cap and the bottle are seperated for good. I check the underbelly of the lid to find 10 characters. 10 characters that just may make life that much easier. 10 characters that could be just like the other 23 million codes: losers.

M796AEC97N. Possibly confused for a German word in 1337, or maybe a way to represent prisioners. Alas, this squad of 5 seemingly accidental numbers and a quintet of equally random letters will be my V.I.P. pass to the gaming event of the year. Not only, if victorious, will I recieve the XBox 360 system, but I'll get it earlier than everyone else who buys the system when it arrives in stores on November 22nd.

I type in the code. God speed, little fella. The games requires me to quick a time period, represented by what time the winner is picked. 11:30 seems good enough, with only 3672 other participants in the drawing. You know what 1/3672 equals to? .0027233115468409586, approximately. Still plenty of hope.

Yup. Time to kill. Hey, what if I actually win this contest?

Click. You cannot see the comic without clicking on it. Click. 
The counter reads 14:52. Dammit, what's taking so long? Maybe music will make the time go faster.

"You can suck all the dick you want and still be a virgin, Mary!"
Ah, sometimes I wish it was winter when theoretically I shouldn't. The counter reads 10:49.

Crunchtime: 10 minutes left. 36,000 seconds until it was my turn to be a winner...maybe. Time flows away all but too quickly.
Tick tock, tick tock
ife is tough when you're a clock.
Quarter after, or 12 o'clock
Tick tock, tick tock.
The counter reads 6:27.

I wonder why, I wonder how. Why does Moutain Dew give them away every 10 minutes? How can they afford this? My virtual raffle-drawing is now the featured one on the site, meaning the next winner will either be M796AEC97N or another code who defeated it. I hope and pray he makes it out okay...there's some type of personal attachment there, huh? The counter reads 2:11.

My heart begins to pump blood at a faster rate to support my rapidly-moving mind. 3674 to 1 odds...and it's probably even worse now. Dude...did I really think I could win a fucking MD contest with just one cap? That's like expecting a lone soldier using only a knife to defeat an entire army. Or believing Dante Culpepper was capable of completing a foward pass while there were more than 2 guys trying to hinder his throw. The counter reads 0:34. I can't take it anymore. Wait, what was the contest for? Oh yeah, a next-gen video game system. I like video games...

"Please God, if I win this contest, I will sell it for a thousand-oddsum dollars and donate half to charity and the other part to my PS3 fund. Amen"

The counter reads 0:01.

Tonight I find.

No...time...for...blog...working...on...Halloween...article...football...playoffs.

*Sniper'd!

 

-Warx

There ain't no time to waste!

'N Sync was cool enough to use bad grammar. Unfortunately, I am not.

Page 452 of the hopeful joke that is the Jack Thompson situation has been written. Recently, CNN decided to give the Miami-based lawyer some air time during which he found a new game to waste his/our time on, Blitz: the Leauge. As the first sports game in the list of Thompson's victim, Blitz has recieved good reviews so far, but I have unfortunately yet to play it myself. J-Thomp had this to say:

"The NFL wouldn't allow it's name to be used, so that tells you something."

Um. Yeah. About that, Jack. This is a fib that ranks up there amongst the ones GW Bush makes day in and day out. Jack knows that EA has the NFL liscence, making it impossible for any NFL game without the Electronic Arts tag on its package. Then he called the cops on Penny Arcade.Gamers, stand up. This dude has to be stopped before he brainwashes enough to actually accomplish something other than pathetic cries for attention.

There. My "Picture of Dumbasses" quota is filled. 

New article.

I know I promised you some comics, but after some self-relecting I decided to hold back on producing the cartoons. (that made it seem like you actually wanted them...) I need to find my style before putting anything on the web. Luckily, experimentation has been taking place. Hopefully there will be some sort of artwork on JHF before Christmas.

Bill O'Reiley just finished his interview on the Daily Show. Its content contained France-supporting and John Stewart compairing the current state of International Relations to the Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show.

Disney sent me a survey asking questions about my experience in the Virtual Magic Kingdom. After some immature giggling, I filled out the questionare. Here's the only notable event:

Which words or phrases do you think describe Disneyland and Walt Disney World?
(Please select all that apply)

Uncool
For someone like me
Cool
Boring
Fun
Exciting
Childish
Other (fill in your own): ________.

Oh, what to type? Just to be nice, I chose "Restricting", instead of "A gigantic waste of time, but still addicting and a little gross, too."

EA is making a 3D-football management simulation entiled "NFL Head Coach". *sigh. I really want photoshop. I really do.

But there are random things such as vikings and killer-water-bottles to be drawn in various drawing styles. Thanks for your time and have a powerful week!

-Warx

I am a satelite.

Today is the last time this site will be posted by 16-year old. Well, maybe someone else will be that same age, but it will not be me. Definately not me.

I believe Wednesday will be the weeky deadline for the (at least) weekly Blog Update. Weekly weekly weekly weekly.

Fox canceled "The Simple Life." Without it, there will be a lack of ugly whores with 678 different forms of STD's in thier buttholes on TV. Some will be saddened by the news, but they will jack-off their way back to happiness. Here, let me help!

Yeah...a new low. 

Working on a new article, which is 89% finished. It'd be kind of nice if football didn't take a bunch of my time, but it does. Speaking of football, Blitz: the League is made available to the public on the 17th. 17 happens to be my football number. Correlation? Definately not.

For once in my life, I had an idea that was stolen. Not really stolen, Ctrl-Alt-Del just managed to you know...actually make an attempt at it. Timmy Buck has a fantastic comic going (as it has for 3 years) and you should read those archives instead of my crap.

Turning 17 means that my white ass can legally buy M rated games. Sweet, no more stragetically scanning of Target checkouts for teenaged guys! For the record, a pre-schooler could buy GTA and a take-home wife and none of them would really give a rat's ass.

Kingdom Heats got bumped back to March 1st. Well, at least you get to play as Lion-Sora.

You know when you type on the computer, then try to add on to a paragraph from the middle but instead of adding it, the new letters replace the old ones? Yeah, that shit's happening right now. It's over!

-The October 12th versio of Warx

...update!!! Jack Thompson is still a douche bag. And on top of that, he can't think of good video game ideas. Hmm...kill everyone on the screen for no apparent reason. Don't think there needs to be any more GTA knock-offs. It just makes me wonder why. Why does he fuss so much over it? Why can't he be a normal lawyer and worry about cases, the law, and his large mansion(s)? He just has to make himself seem so obnoxious that Bill O'Reiley seems like Mr. Rogers. I am joining the fight, and you should, too.

Link, fill up yer hearts!

New update, people. Funny thing is, I wrote this article sometime in August. Like mid-August. To be exact, I think it was the 16th. That sounds right.

This week was a big one for me. I got to see 2 movies that should have been viewed by my eyes months ago, yet it took me this long to finally experience them. The first, on Tuesday, was Spider-Man 2. Yes, this is me, the big Spidey fan that took a good year and 2 months to finally see the film. Shameful. It was fantastic, easily one of my personal top-10. I finished the other, Troy, not a half-hour ago. It's definately lenghty, but definately good (but not THAT good)at the same time. It teaches a moral as well; if you can't beat a guy, kill him while he's distracted! Time for a lesson from Maroon 'n Navy!

 

 

 

It's starting to become clear that I really shouldn't get so excited for a new game coming out, as if my expetations are too high all I can be is disappointed. Nonetheless, there's a new one I am following. In the wake of Madden's reign over the NFL, Midway sees the empire as a chance for a rebellion. Without the shackles places on them by the "No Fun Leauge", Blitz is finally the football game it was meant to be. On October 17, Blitz: The League will hit stores like a offensive line. (IE: people won't notice, but they should!)

The League that you play in Blitz is, of course, fake. It's simply called "The Leauge" and represents an alternate universe where the NFL didn't get started up and football kept its roots as being extremely, extremely violent. The League has its own backstory, which features several fatal injuries, a team plane crash and an Amercia vs. Soviet Union game. I guess football really is a Cold War, huh?? Oh geez.

In terms of gameplay, Blitz will feature not a season mode, but a story mode that you take a team down on its luck and try to make it back to the big time. Not only do you get to play football (8-on-8, like Blitz used to play like), but you get to manage all your players off-field antics! Drug use, club fights, affairs, they're all here! I can see it now...

Warx: Dammit (star running back), stop beating up hookers already!

Midway is bashing the NFL with every chance they get. Quotes like, "playing REAL football" and "the game they don't want you to see!" are all meant to be subtle but aren't in the least bit. Either way, it's basically Midway yelling "Screw you EA!!!" It's a fight worth fighting for. Let's hope it doesn't fall flat like *cough Marvel Nemesis cough* some random game from the past.

In case you haven't noticed, I am not doing 100% at JHF anymore. Sad, yes, but everyone please welcome Mall Jesus. He'll help out with some graphics, because he has photoshop and I don't.

Fighting, and sometimes ending blog posts...

-Warx (0c70b3r s3v3n7h)

Let's have a Patrick Swayze October 2nd!

Sorry about the like updates, folks. If you haven't checked out the new comic yet, you really shouldn't. It made sense at the time while drawing the original sketch, but somewhere between the release of the game and the post of the comic, I realized it's not that funny.

1) The intro of Marvel Nemesis explains why those particular superheros aren't in the game: most of them are presumed dead.

2) The game isn't that good in the first place.

3) Well, I haven't played it yet. So I could be wrong, maybe.

Asides from that, my video game...life is going great. Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks is a lot better than I thought it would be. Fluid gameplay/controls, decent graphics, story fillers, and...shirtless Asians! Hopefully there will be a comic sometime about it...

Since I made this blog for random topics not important enough to make articles about, here's a random topic not important enough to make an article about. US Literature (aka English) class was particularly easy this week. I was not present on Monday, and the remaining 4 days we watched a movie. What film, you ask? Amistad, Steven Spielberg's 2002 motion picture based on the (in)famous slave ship with the same name. It's definatley not a bad movie, just not too rememberable. First off, I don't remember any character's names, not good when the test comes. Its also full of non-exiting/interesting stories. The ending is topped off with an 11-minute long speech by Old White Guy #45, who's in favor of the Africans. Little history for you, that was all but a summary of the real thing. OWG45, in real life, actually took 8 and a half hours for one speech. There are lawyers that aren't awake that long, let alone talking about one subject in front of the Supreme Court.

Where am I going with his? I, being my usual self-centered self, am going to give you this opinion about me: I would've been a terrible slave.

Say aliens, or Antarcticanites, come to America, and capture me in a net while I am playing DDR or something. These people/creatures do not speak any English, but they communicated telepathically. I ride the slave-(space)ship back to Mars/Antarctica and face my new life as a farm hand that is given the minimunest of wages. I would either die on the trip itself or get flogged into eternal submission when my owner didn't think my work was good enough. Trust me, it wouldn't be.

I can't believe I tried to make the slave-trade funny. Gosh, that was my bad-dead of the month right there. Anyways, meeting ajourned. Go masterbate like you planned on doing. Later.

-Brettzki