Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Or Real

Do it yourself
Nothing says independence like a little independence
and I'm not talking about
a city in Missouri.

Someday, blindness will cease
Leaving myself and my dogs
barking at the Sun, assuming
it's the Moon.

But it's not.

It's fucking not.

All the time
the way is found
to Maximize me into
something else. A something else
that is efficiently upset
like a tortured clam.

A shellion that remains
to be subtly obvious and ruthlessly grim,
yet innocently hopeful and kind as a Kennedy.

Don't take the lead when it's not mine.

Undefeated only means
You're not seasoned.

Or real.

Malice Alice,
Brett from the Set

Monday, January 29, 2007

Disguised animatronics

Beast Wars FTW.


1. An extra dimension.

For those not familiar with the 12-year old 3D Transformers spin-off featuring our favorite robots turning into and infro RL animals, Beast Wars is a 12-year old Transformers spin-off featuring our favorite robots turning into and infro RL animals.

Back in 1995, the only things that utilized height, width AND length were StarFox and Captain EO. Truly, times were flat.

But then, seeming from nowhere (Canada), an extraordinary television program found its way to the airwaves, showing viewers a glimpse of the future.

In short, it's prettier.

2. "Character Development"

The quotations are to emphasize the foreign concept to the 80's series. Transformers (Generation 1) was almost a cartoon toy commercial, with new goodies and baddies alike being added at a constant flow, making episodes feel shallowly cluttered. The characterization of the numerous mechanical players varied over time, however it was seemingly random and unexplained.

Beast Wars, on another hand, originated with five soldiers for both factions, each with a different sense of motivation, loyalty and sexual preference. With fewer characters, the writers were able to focus of specific relationships and qualities, allowing them to grow like organic warts.

Beast Warriors actually died, too. You may be saying

"but bret optimuz diez in the moo-v!!1"

This is not a lie. In fact, several central character die in Transformers: The Movie. They're immortal otherwise, with zero deaths in the rest of the series. Beast Wars let you feel more than yourself.

Which do you prefer?


Disagree and drink a slurpee.

Deranged sanity,

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Knowing utopia

Maybe rainbows are not actually the museum showcase of the 1976 Cleveland Barons...

...but then what in the politically-correct hell are they?

A few weeks back, a friend and I began debating. This wasn't any sort of religious clash, nor was it a battle of morals, it wasn't even a matter of collegiate sports. No, it was much cooler than that. Much cooler. Despite passionate opinions, this conflict had gone untouched for years, a surprisingly lengthy and inactive comatose for such a crucial question.

Which is better: TRANSFORMERS or BEAST WARS?

There is an answer.

Profoundly innocent,

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Giving it back

It's due time to write about a preferable topic, or at least create my own damn prompts for a change.

Feel free to use these without fear...

Could someone use a douche to water plants?

Are there actual bears in Chicago?

Fires are caused by certain chemicals. Do you feel such chemicals can spark sexual interest?

I like pineapples but my friend likes homogenous bread. Is there any hope of redemption?

What is cheap?

If you could make a word, how would it spelt (include language of orgin) and what it mean?

When do you expect Power Rangers to finally deal with abortion and gay marriage?

What weapons would increase the vitamin definciency in modern house cats?

My printer is yelling at me. Where did it learn to talk?

Finally, somebody spliced an "i" with an "r" to make an irrigator.

Mandating laxatives,

Monday, January 15, 2007

Brightness falls

Some visuals have the capabilities to etch self-dobut and utter malice into our daily planners.

This could be one of those:

Develop the anticolon before it's past your bedtime.

Marveled witness,

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mending the debate

As a person of momentariness, specific issues randomly obstruct my path (much like FF hellions); topics that are too meaningful to ignore without the guilt of a thousand Anna Nicole references.

It's time to unleash my thoughts.

Today's Quarrel
Superman vs. Godzilla

A common complaint against the Superman series refers to the Man of Steel's godliness; he's infallible in battle and nothing of this world can cause him harm, not even his own Nintendo 64 game.

We all know that Superman has a weakness in the solid form of a neon kelly rock. Too bad it's more precious than a Playstation 3 (IRONY!!!2)

Godzilla, on the other spectrum, is quite suceptible to a wider variety of attacks and missiles, although his stamina and will can rival that of Rocky Balboa (MOVIE REFRANCE!!!). Godzilla has died at least twice along with a noticable list of defeats, most at the hands of nobler, heroic kaiju attempting to halt G-zill's lumbering fury against the energy-wormhole we live on.

A lot of things hurt Godzilla, he just fights through it.

Scenario: Metropolis, USA; a calm dusk wind seeps through the urban forest, peace is evident. Then Godzilla emerges from Nameless East Coast Ocean #2 with destruction in his plans and his tail on his butt. Clark Kent, fresh out of the potty, sees the potent menace and rips off his Tuesday's best, preparing himself for the Japanese titan with armored green flesh.

End Result: Godzilla melts Superman's spandex-clad ass with a simple blast of his atomic introducer.

"but suprman is 2 fast!!"

Perhaps, but all Godzilla would need to do is hit Superman once to end the conflict. Superman, however, would need an elaboratle cause-and-effect-driven situation that is unlikely to carry out perfectly, and even if it did, who says Godzilla was thwarted for good?

I don't care who you are, a nuclear beam > you.

Godzilla 1, Superman 0 (FINAL)

Swimless birds,
Brett freak!!1

Monday, January 08, 2007

Provoked lynching

How about a paraphrased countdown conclusion of collective collaboration?

The 2nd greatest thing about the Nintendo Wii is Wii Sports for the reasonable amount of $0.00; the top of the list dealt with every other Wii feature that seemed favorable or quirky, although sometimes they can be one in the same.

Meh. To be honest, I got a little bugged by a potentially dispriting comment made by a pair of my heroes, Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb from X-Play, the favorite child of G4, the only network dedicated to out-of-place programs and terribly scheme-like commercials, possibly the biggest gravy train of them all, except, of course, run-on sentences.

If you're not familiar with the show, go make yourself a girlfriend using only paper clips and Head and Shoulders brand anti-dandruff shampoo. Ahem.

A viewermail was something along the lines of this:

"Dear X-Play,

If Godzilla can have babies without laying eggs, then why can't pigs eat bacon without being cannibals?

Robert from New Hampshire"

Adam and Morgan shunned the statement with icy, annoyed rage, flaming ol' Rob's misconception of his humor quality. They added some cruel sarcasm just to finish off the compressed rant. It was a judgemental side of them I hadn't even imagined.

Made me perpend whether my shit is worth a shit. Maybe I should just pack up my belongings and head of to Cubical Valley, located off the coast of Fallback.

Then again, I could be taking myself too seriously; hypocricy at its finest, no?

Life is a joke, all you have to do is laugh at it.

Gale lunnery,

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Advocating the Goron

A Quintet of Riisons that Describe why Wii Makes Mii Happii

(three) The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

It would be an ironic travesty if I would post a detailed and moderately idealistic report of the game rather than playing it.

So I won't.

Contest yourself: accept a challenge today!

Lurking privileges,

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Global appeal

A Quintent of Riisons Describing why Wii Makes Mii Happii

Number 4: The Collabortive Controller(s)

The defining trait of the Nintendo Wii lies within it's unique/intuative/white/gimmicky/generally awesome controller, which utalizes a wireless remote and assorted attachable attachments.


It's motion sensitive, comfortable and stylish, we all know that. However, Wiiless individuals are probably unaware of the versatility of the apparatus.

You can play in enough positions to make Paris Hilton say "Well, that's new."

Example 1: Normal

Focused, yet reserved.

Example 2: Crossed Eagle

Relaxed and endured

Example 3: Tired

Lazy but surprisingly effective

Example 4: Unnecessarily Active

Flamboyantly dangerous

Plus, the Wiimote has a bunch of seemingly pointless features that add impressive variables to the games being played on Nintendo's latest masterpiece, most notably the little speaker that, despite dishing poor quality audio, makes the gameplay somewhat immersive and even more noisy. The subtle rumbles help the experience, also.

The bataliion has been passed (darkenss=dramatic).

Enclosed longevity,

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Chance of a Bang

You know what seems appropriate?

A countdown!!0

A Quintet of Riisons that Describe Why Wii Makes Mii Happii

Number 5
Forecast Channel

Say we live in a world where people like me never leave the confides of their homes, specifically the lower basements of these living arrangements, yet they still care about the external enviroment of their brick/aluminium/log/straw houses.

They're too busy playing the Nintendo Wii or masturbating to venture outside!

If only there were some possible way to check the weather without moving or digital/analog cable!

Fuck yes.

The temperature could be measured in Kelvin and it would still be the neatest feature on any gadget that featured Zelda, Mario and a heavily armored female bounty hunter with an powerfully versatile arm cannon.


Pierced intentions,
Brett or BERTT

Monday, January 01, 2007

Uniting the separatists

Fissuring normality often creates a newborn sense of habitual delight.

See, it's finally 2007; three-hundred sixty-five days that many of my peers make a fuss about. It's the year that graces the varisty jackets of fellow classmates, a seemingly fantastical time of lurking freedom and inevitable maturity. Come May, I could be a graduate. I could be excited to finally earn such a popular priviledge.

But I'm not.

Time to resolve the conflects holding me back from potential paychecks and potatoes.


1. I need to get a fucking scanner. Currently, there are TWO (2)(II)(4^.5) scanning devices on my computer desk, however, without installed drivers, they are practically coarpses, rotting in a pile of dissappointing filth. There exists a pair of discs, somewhere, that will allow the machines to play with my Dell Demension, thus enabling a Pluto of possibilities.

2. To fully utalize a scanner, my drawing skills have to improve immensely so my ideas can be confidentally produced in pure plurality. Not sure how to go about doing so though, maybe a montage is in store.

3. Finding my way to a large scale, legit Nerf War would be pretty stellar, also.

4. loose wait. im to fat.

Oh yeah.

Meet Balls. I like to play with him. I have a fascination with him, and I've also been known to kiss him.

He's ideal. Everything that inhabited my speculating dreams was made true and good, somewhat of a surprise, really. Usually if I anticipate irresponsibly I end up disappointed and coldly alone.

The Nintendo Wii is amazing, well worth the wait that was extended 5.5 weeks.

More sometime.

Nano shlamoes,
Brett with one tee